Culinary Disasters

Via blog quebecois, Something Awful [warning - the name is an entirely appropriate description of the site] invites their readers to write about their most disastrous culinary experiences.

I accidentally greased a glass baking dish for ham loaf with Pledge instead of Pam. We all wondered why the ham loaf tasted so odd, and it wasn't until after dinner when I was putting everything away that I realized what I did.

[another account:]

I was home from school sick one day, and was getting hungry, so I started some ramen. I had a headache at the time, and came up with the bright idea of advil ramen. I figured, "I like ramen, and I could use some advil. How can this go wrong?" Needless to say, dissolving advil tablets let off terrible fumes which are not the least bit appetizing. This wasn't one of my brighter moments.

It got me thinking about my kitchen and thankfully, apart from a few instances of dough flying across the room, my culinary failures have been few. That said, I do recall two of my worst moments in the kitchen.

The first episode occurred in my teen years, and is not exactly an example of a culinary disaster, but rather an instance of stupidity. After frying some eggs, I proceeded to place a loaf of bread, housed in a plastic bag, on the still warm element. Melted plastic and bread are not a tasty combination.

The other memory I have of failed food is alas once again a matter of stupidity and distraction. The result: a new soup pot and pizza for dinner instead of charred black beans. I don't use canned beans, and so instead opt to soak the beans the night before and boil them in preparation for the dish I plan to make. On this particular occasion, I prepared to bring the beans to a boil by setting the heat to high. Problem being, I *forgot* to adjust the heat to low before heading off to the grocery store to pick up some ingredients for the recipe. On the way to the store, I suddenly instructed my driver to return home immediately. Oh no! I think I forgot to adjust the heat! Upon pulling into the driveway, a burning smell was immediately evident, and the kitchen was indeed filled with smoke. Thankfully, this blunder occurred in the last decade and has not been repeated since.

See also Lileks Gallery of Regrettable Food.

Leave your own culinary misadventures in comments. Regular programming will commence tomorrow.